Which Came First, the Bikini or Beach Volleyball?
 
Or,
 
How to Survive Watching Women’s Beach Volleyball with your Wife and Daughter.

Sitting on my couch, watching the Olympics, I realized the only reason for Women’s Beach Volleyball is the bikini. These women are in great shape, are phenomenal athletes and proudly represent our great country, but those are the minor reasons to watch them jump and roll and dive and bend and….but I digress.
 
Back to my couch…
 

 
So I sit down to, ahem, admire the athletes and my teenage daughter and my (not so teenage) wife join me. Now, normally, family time is great, but, why now? I needed a reason for why the hell I was watching Women’s Beach Volleyball. You know, other than the obvious…THE BIKINIS.
 
Luckily, I’m a fast thinker. I quickly ran through the list of Things I Can Say, and Things I Can’t Say. So gents, your humble correspondent has put himself through the ring of estrogen fire to bring you: Your Guide to saving your ass while watching Women’s Beach Volleyball:
 
 
-Hey! Look at the rack on that chick….things I can’t say.
 
-Hey, What a great save!...things I can say!
 
-Did you see the way her suit rode up her ass on that shot?...can’t say
 
-Wow! What a great spike for the USA team…can say
 
-She almost showed us boob on that shot…. things I can’t say
 
-Great effort to score a point…. things I can say
 
-Imagine that move in bed!... things I can’t say
 
-I wonder how long she must practice to be able to do that… things I can say
 
-I wonder if she has a twin sister… things I can’t say
 
-She must have brothers that play volleyball… things I can say
 
 
Before I forget, the bikini was invented by some French guy in 1946…guess he was busy promptly surrendering to something and had some spare time. Beach Volleyball was started around 1915 (without bikinis), so went about 30 years without any fans... It wasn’t until 1996 when beach volleyball was first played as an official sport in the Olympics in Atlanta.
 
But how about the female athletes themselves…how do they feel about it? In a recent interview with Reuters
 
 

"… [the] top women players say they are comfortable in their bikinis. They love the beach culture that gave birth to their sport, and they take pride in their athletic physiques.
 
"The female body is a masterpiece. Everyone likes to look at the female body, especially in dynamic, athletic sport," said Natalie Cook, gold medallist at Sydney in 2000.
 
When asked if the bikini bothers her, Cook told Reuters, "I'm OK with it. It's the only sport where the women dominate. If it starts with the bikini, fine. I believe it shows the best side of the female body and I'm proud of how we look in it."

 
But whatever the reason for the fuss over bikinis, Misty May-Treanor (above) could see the bright side, "All the work we're putting in must be paying off because if they're so (interested in) what we're wearing it's like, yeah, we must have awesome bodies," she said.
 
Thanks Reuters. That's some seriously fine investigative journalism.

 
 
Back to my couch…
 

Now, I’d made it through Women’s Beach Volleyball unscathed. Press on? I was feeling cocky. YES…Women’s gymnastics.
 
I might be wrong on this, but it seems that almost all Olympic sports require the participants to wear as little as possible. Maybe, they should change the name to the Pervlympics. Now, I was fine with the beach volleyball; the TV was already on, I’d survived beach volleyball, so I doubled down and let it ride. Up next: Diving, swimming, gymnastics, track and field and the rest.
 
Men’s track and field…fine. Really fast black men running and jumping. My wife seemed to enjoy this more than I did. I did not look to see how much my daughter enjoyed this.
 
Women’s gymnastics, track and field, diving and well, women’s anything. I was going to suggest turning down the sound and the lights, but thought better of it.
 
Men’s (boy’s?) diving, by the way, should not be watched by anyone. At least, not anyone who isn’t in prison, currently under indictment, or living in a halfway-house or, you know, named Sandusky.
 
Women’s diving…boring
 
Women’s track and field…better
 
Women’s swimming….even better
 
Women’s gymnastics…If you’re watching this, and you should be, you have the right to an attorney and the right to remain silent. I chose the latter. But if you choose to speak, proceed with caution and use this guide:
 
-Are you kidding me with that move?... things I can’t say
 
-Gee, she seems really flexible…use at your own risk.
 
-How old is she?.... things I can’t say
 
-They all seem so young… things I can say
 
-I bet that move comes in handy!...really things I can’t say
 
-That balance beam is so small…can and should say
 
 
Suffice to say, I like the Olympics. The way things are going with the clothes they wear (don’t wear), we’ll be enjoying the naked Olympics by 2020. Imagine that in 60 inch HD, surround sound, 3D glasses…ahh, time to turn down the lights and sound. I should have my own room by then.
 
 
[Ed. Note: Our buddy John Clarke over at forbes.com also covers bikinis and volleyball quite nicely. ]